Wonder at the Past.

Please note, this was written over a month ago--I apologise for the delay in posting.

I've been listening to Taylor Swift. My girls put me onto it. She's a little addictive. But it doesn't mean, at a whole nineteen years old, she isn't right.

She makes me wonder. I start thinking about "what if". It's always dangerous thing to do that. Because my what ifs include asking what if I didn't marry my husband? How would my life had turned out then? What if I didn't have the girls? What if I ran away at sixteen as I planned to do?

How would my life had turned out?

But mainly, what if I didn't have the visions? What if I were normal and didn't see the future? What if i didn't turn into this god-like creature; because that's what I am--who else can see the future if not a god.

I don't get a second chance. I should stop asking myself "what if".

It's harder when all I know is the future and I'm not living my own life anymore. You can't change the future, only delay it. So what I see will happen with or without me.

I don't like leaving the house anymore. How can I? I walked outside and Bettina was mowing her lawn. And as I drank a lemonade, watching the world pass by, I was hit with a vision. Bettina was going to die within a month. A heart attack.

I didn't tell her. My visions occur no matter what. So what was the point of worrying her?

I see the future of people on the street. Random people I don't know.

As much as I ask "what if", I know, now, that there was nothing I could do. I was never going to run away, I was always going to marry Patrick, and I was always going to have three beautiful girls. There is no changing the future. Just delaying it.